Cara Chalmers
Dear Cara,
I have a son who suffers from Huntington’s, an incurable brain disease. He is unable to work and as such is totally dependent on his wife. She generally takes very good care of his needs but understandably at times yells in frustration. I suspect that she experiences depression and anger about this extremely painful situation.
I have gently suggested that a social worker or therapist might be able to help her process her experiences and provide a safe and healthy outlet for her frustrations. Unfortunately she refuses, saying she can manage because her own family helps her. That is true but of course my daughter-in-law’s family members are not professionals and they do have their own lives. My son’s family, including myself, do not live near him and he is unable to travel on his own.
How can I help his wife cope with this very difficult situation?
Sincerely, A Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned,
The situation that you have described does sound very challenging indeed. Your question to me focuses specifically on how you might go about providing support to your daughter-in-law despite her current refusal to accept the suggestions that you have offered thus far.
During times of difficulty and stress people often turn inwards and struggle to accept the support that may be being offered from external sources. This is a form of denial.
For your daughter-in-law, accepting help from people who are not in her immediate ‘safe-zone’ of close family is most likely a means of trying to maintain a sense of control. This sense of control however, is a false one and simply can not be maintained forever.
At the next opportunity you have to reiterate your offer of support to her. Phrase it using specific language that is future focused. Say to her “(name), when you are ready I will be here for you in whatever you need. If it is advice, I am here. If it is hands-on support, I will make arrangements. If it is a shoulder to cry on, you have mine”. The key words here being when you are ready.
This type of language should empower your daughter-in-law and it implies that her willingness to accept help is on its way. When your daughter-in-law is ready (as she will no doubt find herself there soon given the aggressive nature of a disease such as Huntington’s) then you will have your opportunity. Be patient and reiterate your offer as often as feels right for you.
Dear Cara,
With Mother’s Day fast approaching in the month of May I find myself beginning to feel overwhelmed by stressors associated with this celebratory occasion. As a woman who is married and has young children of my own I struggle to find enjoyment on this special day. As it stands now, both my own mother and my husband’s mother are still eager to be on the receiving end of the focus and attention that is a part of this day.
As a mother myself, I find that rather than enjoying this day with my children and family I am busy making arrangements for other people. This makes me dread and resent Mother’s Day as I am often working harder than anyone else and I am left feeling deeply disappointed. I have shared this with my husband and he and I both feel at a loss for how to approach this day in a way that doesn’t not offend our parents or create issues.
Any suggestions on how I/we can overcome this?
Sincerely, Not-My Mother’s Day
Dear Not-My,
A good friend of mine offered up her family’s solution to this very common struggle:
Each year my friend and her family (siblings, parents, parents-in-law and grandchildren) choose a date that works for everyone and they celebrate ‘Grandparents Day’. This is often a picnic at a park, a Sunday brunch at a restaurant or a gathering at someone’s home where Grandparents are celebrated by all generations and are front and center of the festivities.
My friend has described to me that what this does is take the pressure off of Mother’s Day and allows all of the mothers (and fathers) in the family to feel recognized without so much strain. Obviously, ‘Grandparents Day’ has the potential to relieve any strain that is similarly felt on Father’s Day as well. Share this idea with your extended family and see what the reception for such a day might be (my friend’s parents and in-laws love it).
In addition I would encourage you to share with your husband your ideal way to spend Mother’s Day. Resist any habitual urge you may have to organize or plan on this day and enjoy what your family can arrange for you. Extend this same offer to him in advance of Father’s Day.
Cara Chalmers, is a local writer, therapist and registered social worker living in Springbank, Alberta. Need some advice? Questions for Cara can be emailed to: cara@askcara.ca
