You hear the sound of an explosion. You rush outside and see flames inside the neighbor’s house. A disoriented mother stands looking at the house and then cries, “My little girl! My little girl!” Neighbours grab her and restrain her. At that point the firemen arrive. They quickly move into action. They can hear the young child’s cries. One of them, with his fire-retardant suit and appropriate gear, rushes into the home. Within minutes, that seemed like an eternity to the mother, he appears with the young girl in his arms. She’s alive with only minor burns.
How was fear operative in the above scenario? Obviously, the fireman was aware of the personal danger to his own life. The fear of presenting a charred body to grief-stricken parents was greater than the fear of personal hurt. In this case, the fireman was willing to seek the good of another at his own personal expense. This was love in action. The mother’s love for her child blocked out the potential danger to her life. Love did not remove the danger, it simply motivated action to overcome the danger.
The above scenario has been duplicated times without number by first responders, parents, neighbors, and strangers where life hangs in a balance and heroic action is needed.
Unfortunately, for every heroic act there are thousands of situations where fear paralyses people and leaves them locked in the prison of victimhood. How do we conquer fear before fear conquers us?
Fear is our friend, not our foe! Fear is part of the instrument cluster on the dashboard of your life. When there is danger, or a life-threatening situation, the fear light flashes on. A few weeks ago the light indicating low tire pressure came on. The light was not the problem — it simply indicated that there was a problem. When I checked the tires, all the pressures were normal. I realized the problem was beyond my investigative skills. I went to OK Tire and they determined there was a problem with the sensor. The solution — replace the faulty sensor and the problem is solved.
But, you object, all fear is not as simple as your light on the dash illustration. You are right, it isn’t. However, the principle that is behind the illustration has wide application.
Fear is a powerful tool for shaping a culture and gaining control of people. We fear meaninglessness, insignificance, loss of control, rejection, failure, and change. (Actually, there are over 500 phobias that have been identified.) We can use fear to justify our behaviour, rationalize our choices and defend our idiosyncrasies. Fear becomes the trump card that lets me escape responsibility, isolate myself, and insulate myself from potential hurt.
Let’s look at some potential fear buttons:
1. The awareness that my resource is less than what the task requires. A five- year-old boy was left to look after his three-year-old sister while the parents had “a night on the town.” When they arrived home at 3am the boy was standing at the window crying his eyes out. He was overwhelmed with the fear that his parents had abandoned him and he did not know what to do. This man grew up and had a senior management position and lived with a debilitating fear that he would be faced with a situation for which he did not have adequate training.
2. The fear of undefined expectation. There are multiple situations where a child has been disciplined for something he/she did not know was wrong. This puts performance into overdrive and heightens the fear that at some point the hammer will drop.
3. Fear can be rooted in unresolved guilt. This can lead a person to interpret painful events as delayed punishment. It precipitates defensiveness and pushes us into a shell.
4. The fear of being overpowered by a strong personality. This prompts us to build an arsenal of manipulation and control. Hidden agendas, false identities and exaggerated success are weapons we use to defend ourselves against the fear of being taken advantage of.
The above is by no means exhaustive or complete but it gives a bit of a peek at the enemy we call fear. Let me suggest a few simple steps in facing our fears:
1. Hit your fears head on. Can you produce empirical evidence to support your fear? The young boy who was left in charge of his sister needed to scan his life and determine if there were situations where he was actually in a situation where he was given a task that he didn’t have the resource to do. He had to separate between the paralysis of anxiety and skill inadequacy. Furthermore, he had to look at the many ways he had made a significant contribution to his work, family, social network and community.
2. Ask yourself the question, “What benefit could come to my life should the fear actually materialize?” In other words, shift your fear from negative doom to positive growth. Fear can create a self-fulfilling trajectory. We gravitate towards what we fear. We shift the outcomes of our life by turning that fear into a positive potential for growth.
3. Embrace the law of love. Perfect love strangulates fear. It says, “I will absorb your puss, rise above your accusations, close my ears to your negativity, refuse to be drawn into the web of your gossip, and commit myself to seek your good at my expense.”
Now that is a valentine card that I would like to give to a world obsessed with fear. Keep looking up and I will see you at the top!
Duane Harder
