Building Generational Transfer
A young apprentice turned to the journeyman craftsman and said, “Teach me the tricks of the trade.” The skilled craftsman said, “Stick around and I’ll show you the trade.” When it comes to parenting, there are no “tricks” to the trade. Neither are there a set of rules that will give you a guaranteed result. There are, however, steps of action that help mitigate the breakdown of relationship that can happen. Consider these with me.
Never Stop Being a Learner — I had a game that I played with our children from time to time. It was called, “Can you stump daddy?” The children were allowed to ask any question, and I had 24 hours to come up with the right answer. If I was unable to come up with the correct answer, money was deposited in a family night out account. The goal of the game was to demonstrate my willingness to be a learner.
Added to this is my belief that there is wisdom in the mouth of a child. Learn to listen with your heart and your head. A child speaks as a child, thinks as a child, and reasons as a child. Never forget, that a childish tirade may contain wisdom. Your ability to receive and affirm the child’s point of view helps lay a foundation of security in them.
Let Your Instructions be a Doorway to Relationship — I think our son was about 3 or 4 years old when I told him to put away his toys and get ready for bed. His response was not an immediate fast forward to action. I was about to repeat the direction when my wife whispered to me, “Perhaps you should get down there and do it with him.” My whispered response was, “He needs to learn to hear my command and do what he is told to do.” Her whispered response was, “Maybe you should use the command as an opportunity to build a relationship with him. When God gives a command, He comes alongside to help us do it.” The light went on and I got on the floor and taught him that work could be pleasurable.
I realize that it is not possible, nor wise, to turn every command into a shared activity. But it is wise to look for ways in which you can do it.
Listen to the Heart — A three-year-old blurted out to the parent, “I hate you.” The parent was deeply hurt and offended. The parents were convinced that they were failures and that if this continued, their child would spin off into delinquency. I suggested they revisit the conversation with this possible approach. “Do you remember the other day when you said that you hated mommy?” Do you think when you hear daddy and mommy talking and we disagree with each other that we hate one another?” Try to find out his understanding of “hate.” I can guarantee it is not the same as an adults. It can be that he feels the lack of care or that he is not important to you. It can be that his plans are being thwarted and that brings frustration. NEVER ASSUME that you know the intention of a person’s words or actions.
In your relationship to your children, view yourself as a potter molding a vessel of clay. Use words that add beauty to their character. Think of what you can bring into their life that will add sparkle to their personality. Look for ways that you can invest in the development of their life without looking for a personal return. And finally, let the strength of your convictions give them the courage to be different and the boldness to live by principle, not pragmatism.
Remember, what you invest in your child today determines the return you get tomorrow. Keep looking up, and I’ll see you at the top.
Duane Harder
