Grow Up!
When we were young and did something foolish, we probably heard our parents say something like this, “When are you going to grow up?” In other words, “Your behavior is unacceptable and needs to change.” Unfortunately, even though the rebuke highlighted a weakness it lacked definition. It failed to tell us what was wrong with our choice, and what steps were needed to change our behavior.
I believe most of us want to grow up and become a productive, respectable person. At 83 I want to continue growing up — my character to continue being refined and my knowledge to keep expanding. Let me share what I have learned thus far on my journey.
Be at Home in Your Own Skin
I had a full-length mirror in my counseling office. Some people called it the torture chamber. Patients would stand in front of the mirror and I would ask them what they saw. Very few people looked directly into the mirror. Never once did I hear anyone say they saw a beautiful (or an appropriate masculine adjective) person that had real potential. 99% of the people gave negative comments about what they saw.
There are real consequences in our life when we are not at home in our own skin. We live under a cloud of self-rejection. This leads to a fear of intimacy. We live with the fear that if a person really knew what we were like they would reject us. Furthermore we can adopt a doormat mentality. A doormat is powerless and consequently remains a victim. The victim is a prisoner of circumstance and requires sympathy, not an exhortation about change. We become skilled at Blame shifting. This allows us to avoid accepting responsibility for our choices, the decisions of our will. Circumstances, lack of support, poor communication, unrealistic expectations, and the list goes on. To say, “I was wrong” sinks me further into the pit of “no value.” Furthermore, I use the microscope when looking at others. I magnify their faults to parade my value. We need to remind ourselves that when we throw mud, we lose ground.
So how do we grow up and learn to see ourselves as a person of value?
Let Go of Resentment, Jealousy, and Entitlement
Resentment is a complex emotion that involves disappointment, disgust and anger in response to a perceived unfairness or wrongdoing. There are real painful wrongs that we experience. Resentment allows the wrong to capture me and hold me as its prisoner. Forgiveness sets me free from the prison of resentment. In forgiveness I see that the wrong doer has a deeper need than the pain inflicted by the wrong. I allow my pain to reveal the deep need of the person who inflicted the wrong.
Jealousy says, “You do not have the right to possess what I want.” What you possess has the power to elevate my status, enhance my image, or empower my authority. Jealousy is the cancer of the soul.
Entitlement entrenches my rights and deadens my capacity for gratitude. Entitlement places me and my desires at the center of my world. After me, you come first.
Resentment, jealousy, and entitlement are enemies of the soul and reflect a low view of our own value. These enemies keep me focused inward rather than on what I can give. The more secure I am in my value, the freer I am to give.
Don’t let others rob you of the reality of the true value of your worth. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Look in the mirror. Give thanks for what you see. Let the potential of who you were created to be bring help to others and I’ll see you at the top!
Duane Harder
