Confrontation — Caustic or Caring?
We probably have all been in situations of conflict where we have felt the sting of caustic comments and perhaps been the author of a few. On the other hand, we have had confrontations that have brought us face the face the reality of our situation and this had led to positive change.
When it comes to confrontation, I would rather have the wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy. In fact, it is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. With those two thoughts, let’s look at the benefits of confrontation.
The Benefits of Confrontation
Confrontation can help us get a true picture of who we really are. Years ago, I was part of a leadership team. After an intense discussion, the leader of that group said to me, “Duane, you are a brash brat.” That was not exactly the kind of compliment I was looking for. I went to a man who was mentoring me and exposed my wound. He looked at me and said, “Well, is it true?” Not exactly what you want to hear when you are looking for sympathy. However, as painful as those words were, they were helpful in getting me to look at a part of my character that needed adjustment.
The Psychologist, Jourard, writes about the windows of the soul. Window one: the person we see we are and don’t want others to see. Window two: the person we project ourselves to be – what we want others to see. Window three: the person other people see us to be, but we don’t see. This is where confrontation is helpful. The secure person welcomes confrontation knowing that it leads to personal development and growth.
Confrontation helps root my dreams in reality.
Someone has said if you catch a tiger by the tail, you had better have a strategy for dealing with its teeth. A young man came to me with a two-page description of what he believed his life was about. It was an ambitious plan that represented considerable responsibility. As I read it, I thought, this requires the development of strong character so I said, “What sort of development do you think would be necessary to carry the weight that is represented in what you have written?” This is where the disconnect came. This did not invalidate his dream it simply meant that he needed to put some steps of action in place.
Confrontation can reinforce loyalty
It takes courage to say what needs to be said even if it is hurtful. Loyalty says I will not allow what you say to separate me from who you are. Even if you are 98% wrong, I will not allow your words to form a wedge. Rather than respond defensively I will try to understand the thinking behind your words. We must understand that words are often a shadow of the substance that exists behind them. “When you say that I am a brash brat, what behaviors would bring that picture to your mind?” Words are often an attempt to define the impact of an event rather than a description of the event. In confrontation loyalty says I do not understand what you said but rather than allow that to break my relationship with you I will endeavor to discover the reality behind your words.
Two Boundaries of Confrontation
Make sure you have a building permit before you start demolishing. You may be one of those who hides behind the defensive shield, “Well, I just tell it like it is!” As a child you may get away with that but as an adult you need to know that you have permission to do that. Here is wise counsel that was given to me: “Don’t try to drive a 10-ton truck over a one-ton bridge.”
Don’t assume you have the right to correct. Just because you are married or committed to each other doesn’t give you the right to bring correction or adjustment to your spouse. The same is true of any relationship where you have a superior and a subordinate. You may say something like: “I value our relationship and am wondering if you would be open to me sharing a concern that I have?” Be careful not to state or imply guilt or ascribe blame. Your immediate goal is to open communication and gain understanding.
Duane Harder
