We began our journey in life totally dependent on the nutrients we received in our mother’s womb. When we were born our need for adult care continued.
“But” you argue, “Doesn’t the time come when we go through a mythical metamorphism and suddenly shed the skin of our childhood and emerge as a care-giver who no longer focuses on personal need but concentrates on the need of others?” Nice thought! In September I celebrate my 80th birthday day and guess what? I still have needs.
We were created with needs and if those needs go unmet, significant problems can emerge. I may own a Rolls Royce or some other luxury car, but if I neglect the need for regular maintenance, I will be faced with serious mechanical problems. In a similar way, failing to pay attention to our God given needs can have significant crippling results.
From my point of view, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, and compulsive behaviors, to name a few psychological disorders, are all symptoms of a deeper problem. These symptoms are like the information panel on the dash of the automobile. The information communicated is not the problem, it simply lets me know that there is a problem.
What symptoms have you been avoiding or ignoring? We all do it. It’s natural to not want to face or feel our pain, the areas of our life that make us uncomfortable. What do you need to bring forward to release, to explore, to heal? What is it that’s keeping you from feeling free of the wounds that have held you back from experiencing more of the fruitful life you were created to have?
I invite you to come with me on a journey of exploration as we examine four basic needs that we do not out-grow. 1. The need for value; 2. The need for acceptance; 3, The need for significance; 4. The need for community. Experience has taught me that these four needs are at the top of the list for all people. Customs may vary, but these needs are present around the globe.
•The need for value — Our value is directly connected to our self-worth. For most people, value and productivity are closely connected. What I produce defines my value. Good choices bring praise. “That was great.” “You really are fantastic.” “Keep that up and you are going to end up at the top.” Bad choices bring out negative comments.
“How could you be so dumb.” “Did you leave your brains in bed when you got up.”
‘You’ll never amount to anything!”
Both the positive and negative comments establish value based on productivity or outcome. What happens when my value grid is different than yours or I am aiming for a goal that’s different than you think it should be? Value that is based on performance usually results in a negative self-image. This can lead to self-inflation that sees myself as better than I am, self-criticism that narrows my scope of comparison and leads to underperformance, or self-isolation that dwells in Hermits Ville. This needs further development, but for this article let me suffice it to say that every person needs the positive affirmation that they were uniquely created with intrinsic value.
• The Need for Acceptance — I need to be accepted as a person regardless of the choices that I have made. People have come for help who have made significantly poor choices in life. I can either look down my nose with disgust or see the treasure that is in the field of dirt. The people who have been rejected because of their poor choices usually gravitate toward a culture of rejection and live with the lowest common denominator. Why are they there? Because they are accepted.
• The Need for Significance — Inside people want to know that their life is meaningful and has purpose. I was conducting a seminar for a tire company and asked those attending to write down their life purpose. Most of the attendees drew a blank. I then asked them to write down the purpose of the company. Another blank page. I then said, “Would it add significance to your work if you could see yourself as an integral part of the transportation industry that helped to safely move people and product? A number responded by saying, “When you put it that way, I guess we do have a significant job.”
• The Need for Community — The fact is “no man is an island to himself.” We were created to live and interact within community. A High School hockey coach helped establish this in my life. I was the goalie and held the record for the most shutouts in our High School league. There were two minutes left in the game and I was headed for another shut out. To my horror, out team lined up at our blue line and gave the opposing team free access. They finally scored. I was furious. When the final whistle blew the coach walked out on the ice, put his arm around my shoulder and said, “Duane, I guess it takes a whole team to win the game.” A powerful truth was planted in my mind. It takes the strength of each individual part to win the game. You may be a Wayne Gretzky, but you still need a team.
The fact is we all have needs. When we are committed to complement one another rather than compete, we will see amazing results. Thanks for your help and we’ll see you at the top.
Duane Harder
