ASK CARA – AN EVERYDAY ADVICE COLUMN – Oct 2024

by Cara Chalmers

Dear Cara,

A few weeks ago I attended dinner and a concert with a group of women I am very good friends with. We all met in childhood and have remained very close throughout our lives as most of us are in our mid 40’s now. Fortunately for our group we all (still) have many things in common given that we are mothers, we all work in business and most of us continue to live in the same area that we grew up in. Or at least I thought this was the case.

While at the dinner, prior to the concert, we were casually talking about a female political figure who is in the collective consciousness at this time. One of the women in the group made a statement about this political figure that really caught me off guard. She said something that I found to be incredibly sexist and I was aghast.

I responded to my friend in a way that showed my shock and quite frankly, my horror at what she had said. She, in turn, became quite defensive during this brief exchange. As we were out with a group I did not want to engage much further on the topic with her. Instead I walked away for a short period of time and collected myself, rejoining the others some time later. While I was taking a moment away from the group, this particular friend sent me a quick text asking if everything was okay. I responded yes and explained that I was just grabbing some fresh air. Neither she or I have brought this up since.

In the weeks following this exchange I have continued to be extremely bothered not only by her comments but by my surprise to her attitude. I thought that I knew her better. After 40 years of close friendship, how can I be so blindsided by the values that she demonstrated that I disagree so strongly with? I have even given thought to reconsidering my friendship with this woman.

What should I have done in that moment during our evening out and how should I handle this revelation now moving forward? I am at a complete loss.

Sincerely, Dumbstruck Friend

Dear Friend,

Unfortunately we are living in rather polarizing times where people are losing touch with the ability to simply disagree or be on different pages with others without feeling threatened somehow.

As you describe it you engaged in a brief exchange with your friend where it was revealed that the two of you have different attitudes and beliefs towards someone in the public domain. I think that you handled this exchange very well, to be quite honest. Walking away from a conversation that feels too difficult to continue engaging with in the moment is a sign of having boundaries and respect for the other party involved.

It is incredibly rare, in the moment, to be able to change or even influence someone else’s position when there is a polarization of ideas. It sounds like you were simply far too caught off guard to stay in the dialogue in a productive way. Let go of the idea that you could have or should have responded differently, what’s done is done on that front and you handled it well.

Now, moving forward, I think you should consider this friend and her opinion from a place of curiosity as a means to seek more understanding. Given that you know her so well and for so many years you may be able to reflect on this without inviting further dialogue with her on the matter. Ask yourself the following:

1) What experiences has my friend had that might influence her to hold this particular belief?

2) Given what I know about my friend’s life, could I understand how she might benefit from attitudes or beliefs such as this?

3) Can I more compassionately understand where she is coming from, even if I disagree with her?

Our values are often a reflection of our life experiences. I think that what has got you so rattled here is that you were unaware that your friend holds a different belief than you do in this particular instance. Despite your parallel lives, I am guessing that there are many differing life experiences between the two of you that have gone un- acknowledged. Now is the time for you to do this acknowledging so that you can see things from a more honest perspective.

Don’t give up on this friend or this friendship because of a difference in opinion. Get curious and move through this with compassion and boundaries – two things you have already demonstrated that you are more than capable of. It is okay to hold different opinions from the people we love, it is not necessary for the two of you to agree on everything in order to have a meaningful friendship. If the issue comes up again, you can have your opinion (and you should) and she can have hers.