Cara Chalmers
Dear Cara,
Our eldest daughter is graduating from high school at the end of June. She is and has always been a hardworking and dedicated student. Her efforts at school have paid off for her and she has exceptional grades and has been offered early acceptance at several Canadian Universities, both local and in other provinces. She has even been offered some scholarship money to put towards her tuition at whichever school she ultimately attends.
She has talked about attending university with excitement for the past several years. Her group of friends at school share these same goals and have all been eagerly planning their post-secondary journeys. Our daughter is generally quite mature and self- sufficient and so her father and I have been vocal about our support for her to attend any school of her choosing even if that means that she will be moving away and living independently.
More recently, due to timing , there has been increased pressure on her to make a final decision about which school (and specific program) she will be enrolling in. We need to make arrangements should she decide to attend school away from home.
Unfortunately, my husband and I have noticed a shift in both her behavior and attitude towards finalizing and moving forward with her school plans. She has become somewhat cagey with us and will often try to brush us off or change the subject when we approach her about decision making. She has even made mention of the possibility of taking a gap-year and not attending school right away. I worry that something has changed and that her post- secondary dreams could be in jeopardy.
Although our daughter has not come out and said that her plans have shifted, I can sense that this might be that case through what I see in her behavior. This is further influenced by the fact that several months ago our daughter began dating someone from school and she now has a ‘serious’ boyfriend. By ‘serious’ I mean that they spend most of their free time together and that she seems quite caught up in this relationship (I recently overheard her telling him on the phone that she is in love with him and believes that he is her soul- mate). I am aware that her boyfriend has no concrete plans for what he will be doing after graduation and I have been told by my daughter that he will likely begin working for his dad’s construction company in the fall. So, in other words, he is staying close to home and not pursuing post-secondary.
I am so worried that this relationship is influencing and potentially undermining her long standing plans to finish high school with great grades and then go on to an exciting post-secondary experience somewhere new within the country.
What can her father and I do to support her in following through on her dreams and not allow this juvenile relationship to get in the way of what she has always wanted? I am terrified that she will be left behind both socially and academically and that ultimately she will have major regrets.
Sincerely, Worried Parents
Dear Worried,
It sounds as though you have an exceptional daughter and that there are many opportunities at hand for her during this time of change and transition. The idea of moving away somewhere new for university is undoubtedly exciting. The actuality of it, however, can be very overwhelming.
It is not uncommon for young people finishing high school to go through a period of grief and loss as they enter a completely new phase and chapter of their lives. For most of these kids, the traditional school system is all they have ever known. The familiarity of and relationships within this childhood ecosystem can be tough to break away from. And yes, you are likely correct that her newish relationship is having an impact on her ability to feel more enthusiastic about moving on.
I would encourage you and your husband to sit down with your daughter and focus your conversation on change and transition rather than on immediate decision making. Ask her what it is like for her right now as she wades through such unfamiliar territory. Let her know that you support her and that you understand how she feels. Don’t tell her what to do or give advice, just listen and let her feel heard. Ask her how you can be most helpful.
This will require patience and resolve and be prepared that your bright young girl may not know for certain what she wants to do at this moment in time. It sounds to me like she is probably confused but may be too afraid to voice this with you. She likely doesn’t want to let anyone she cares about down. Take the pressure off of both her and yourselves and trust that this part of the transition process does not spell disaster.
Whatever your daughter decides (and yes, it is her decision) remember that post-secondary opportunities are not time-limited to grade 12 graduates. Universities are not going anywhere and neither are your daughter’s smarts or ambitions.
Cara Chalmers, is a local writer, therapist and registered social worker living in Springbank, Alberta. Need some advice? Questions for Cara can be emailed to: cara@askcara.ca
