Cara Chalmers
Dear Cara,
Our son will be turning 13 this coming September and he has asked his father and I for a smartphone, complete with a cellular plan, for his birthday. Our initial reaction to this request was a ‘no’. But as the weeks have passed since this ask our son has presented us with numerous comparisons and arguments of friends, neighbours and even family members who already have or had a smartphone by age 13.
To be honest, I wasn’t paying that close of attention to what many of the other tweens in our life have current access to. But sure enough, it seems that my son is an outlier in not having a phone of his own at this age and stage. Even our niece, who is barely older than our son, was given a phone this past Christmas.
I have spoken to a few close friends and family members about their experiences of having given their own children a smartphone. Most of the insights I have been offered are along the lines of ‘all the kids have one, and we didn’t want our own child to be left out or left behind socially’ or ‘this is the way that kids communicate with each other now and therefore this is necessary for them in fostering and keeping friendships with their peers’. One friend explained to me that without a smartphone her daughter would never know when her friends were getting together and would be left out entirely.
I feel like a pariah in my more measured approach to this issue. I don’t get the sense that our son is missing out on friendships or experiences. He uses a messenger program on his laptop to chat with many of his friends in lieu of having a phone. In addition, his dad and I often facilitate get-togethers with friends by being in contact with the parents of his peer group.
My husband and I have long said that once our kids begin high school we can assess their maturity at that time and that our kids would also be expected to contribute to the monthly bills for said phones. I have huge concerns about smartphone use and I already fight almost daily battles with our kids over video games and other screens that they already use at home.
Are my husband and I crazy or strange in our position on this? And, how do we hold our ground amidst all the push-back?
Sincerely,
Am I Out of Touch??
Dear Am I,
My initial response to your inquiry is that no, you are not crazy or strange and that you and your husband should very much stick to your guns on this particular issue.
With full disclosure that I have not myself crossed this bridge with my own children (although I know it is coming), I believe that waiting until high school to assess for smartphone readiness is a good idea. That being said, every child and every family is different and should approach decisions such as these with thoughtfulness and care. But generally speaking, I do have strong views on this issue.
Depending on where you live, high school can begin as early as 9th grade, when children are typically about fourteen or fifteen years old. In the recently published and very well received book The Anxious Generation, author Johnathan Haidt argues that parents should wait until their children are 16 before introducing smartphones. Haidt makes this case for one reason; the overwhelmingly negative influence and effects of exposure to social media on young people. These effects are complex and multifaceted, going far beyond just the drawbacks of online comparison and screen time.
I share your concerns about young people and smartphone use. When trying to understand social media think in broader terms than you may currently be considering: TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, SnapChat, Pinterest, Discord and any and all dating/friendship/social applications. We aren’t just dealing with “likes” on Facebook any longer.
Allowing young teens and adolescents to have unfettered access to social media is akin to allowing a toddler to play with a butcher knife. Prudent and thorough study has now shown that without a doubt social media has a negative impact on the mental health of young people, especially girls. We also know that experiences of depression and/or acute anxiety in the developing years (from infancy to about the early twenties) will interfere with and can even stop brain growth.
As for push-back that you may experience, from your own children or from anyone, settle in and ride it out. If your son suspects that you or your husband are on the fence about the issue or that there is room for negotiation, then no doubt he will use every opportunity to make his case again and again. Be a clear, consistent and united front on this issue. Having well thought out and respectful rules and expectations for our children is a loving thing to do. Good Luck!
Cara Chalmers, is a local writer, therapist and registered social worker living in Springbank, Alberta. Need some advice? Questions for Cara can be emailed to: cara@askcara.ca
