ASK CARA – AN EVERYDAY ADVICE COLUMN – Dec 2024

by Cara Chalmers

Dear Cara,

With the holiday season approaching I find myself in a real bind. I have a large(ish) family, with many siblings and relatives who live close by. It has always been a tradition, and possibly even an expectation, that during the Christmas season we all do our best to get together for large family gatherings. And in recent years, I’d say the last 10 or so, my wife and I have happily hosted most of these gatherings on Christmas Eve at our home on our acreage. We have the space to do so easily and the younger members of the family love to run around and play on our property.

However, both my wife and I have noticed that in the past few (post pandemic) years, these holidays have included more and more tension within the group. These tensions have largely arisen due to the political leanings, across the spectrum, of many members of our family. This recently came to a head during the Thanksgiving weekend when my sister and her husband hosted a dinner and arguments arose around the table. There were accusations and name calling, I was appalled. This conflict has really left a mark on many people involved and it is now spilling into our long held Christmas traditions.

My wife and I our now fielding questions from family members such as ‘will so-and-so be coming to Christmas this year? If so, I’m not comfortable with them joining’ and ‘can you, as the host, tell so-and-so not to discuss certain topics during Christmas dinner’. We have done our best to maintain a position of neutrality but this has unfortunately not put a stop to the back-door conversations that we keep finding ourselves in.

My wife is now becoming worried to the point that she has even suggested that we cancel our plans to be hosts this year. I would hate to cancel as we have so many fond memories from holidays past and I don’t like the idea of giving up on a long held tradition. While I certainly don’t like much of the recent conflict relating to political ideas, I know that I can’t change what people think, especially when these are deeply held beliefs. Do you have any advice for how we may approach this dynamic with our various family members? What can we say that will put a stop to the juvenile and entitled behavior that we are seeing?

Sincerely,
Forlorn About the Holidays

Dear Forlorn,

(Sigh). The holidays can bring about significant stress for so many and this typically begins brewing once both Thanksgiving and Halloween have passed. I feel your pain here.

You are wise to note that you can neither change nor influence the beliefs and opinions of other people, nor should you. Doing so is simply not a useful way to spend one’s time. From what I understand, your aim is to carry on a meaningful family tradition and provide an experience of value to the family that you hold dear. I commend you for your commitment to this.

Now, turning to this difficult dynamic, I believe that there is a positive way forward. First and foremost, when and if you have people invite you to interject yourself into their own issues it is important to remember that you are in no way obligated to become involved. People in this type of dynamic are often not seeking solutions to problems, but rather, they are likely trying to dispel their own tension onto others. There is a name for this, it is called Triangulation. Refer these people back to the source of their frustrations. If a family member wants you to communicate a message to another, tell them no. Redirect them to bring the issue up with the other party, and be clear that it is not your place to be in the middle. Try this: “It sounds like this is an issue between you and so-and-so, you need to discuss this with them and not with me or my wife”. Say this as many times and in as many ways as you need to get your point across. Don’t take the bait!

And if people choose not to attend because of their differences, then let them. Again, this is not your job to mitigate. They are the ones who miss out, not you. We cannot pretend that differences, especially political, are not impacting our relationships these days because they often are. This probably sounds familiar to many. That being said, we don’t have to let this get in the way of connection. A good way to help your group during your holiday gathering may be to provide alternative ways for people to engage. Rather than sitting around a table and increasing the risk for disagreement, provide games and/or activities that have the potential to create shared experiences. This could be a game of cards, a trivia contest or even a holiday themed murder mystery. Be creative! This is a fun opportunity to redirect people’s attention and bring your family together, reminding them of what they continue to have in common. You may also want to consider a tapas or a small plate style offering for people to graze on during supper rather than sitting down at a formal table. Speak with your wife about a different way for people to engage that is less vulnerable to be taken in a wrong direction.

We have few opportunities to gather and celebrate these days, you have the potential to remind your family of why this is so important, now more than ever.