Cara Chalmers
Dear Cara,
My mother-in-law recently passed away at the age of 86. At the time of her death, she owned real estate assets worth a considerable amount of money which are to be sold and divided evenly between both my husband and his brother, my mother in law’s two children.
In her will, she instructed that her sons to deposit their share of their inheritance into personal bank accounts that were not held alongside either of their spouses. The will identified that it was my mother-in-law’s wish to have these funds be seen as gifts for her children singularly and NOT gifts for their families.
Cara, my heart is absolutely broken. I have been married to my husband for 26 years and we share three children of our own together. I have always been a loving and present daughter-in-law for my husband’s late mother and I helped care for her in the final years of her life. I have believed that she and I had a positive relationship all these years. How could she deliberately exclude me from the inheritance that she left for my husband?
I have been deeply hurt and upset by what this will has revealed, especially considering that it was last updated only months prior to her passing. I have spoken to my husband about my hurt feelings and he has told me that he understands how I feel but that I am taking things too personally. He has said that he is still undecided about whether or not he will comply with his mother’s wishes and in fact place any inheritance into a separate personal account. I have tried not to push him on this issue as he is still grieving.
Is my husband right? Am I taking things too personally or am I justified in feeling the way I do?
Sincerely,
Left-Out in Longview
Dear Left-Out,
First of all, allow me to extend my sympathies for your family’s loss. The aftermath of the loss of a loved one is often a difficult time. As for your feelings, yes, of course you are justified in feeling hurt by what your mother-in-law’s will has revealed. Our feelings are our feelings, and they are not necessarily right or wrong.
Was your mother-in-law, by omitting you from her will in a direct manner, purposefully and intentionally excluding you from the benefit of her estate? You will never know the answer to this question because the only person who could give you a truthful answer is now gone. And asking yourself that question repeatedly, while never receiving an answer, seems to be only intensifying your hurt.
Given that a meaningful answer to this question is not within your reach I want you to ask a different question. Ask yourself, in all honesty, was your mother-in-law a generous person during her life? Please consider generosity broadly here; was she generous with her time, was she generous with her actions, was she generous with her love? Depending on how you answer this question, you may be able to offer yourself a deeper understanding of what motivated your mother-in-law, and as a result, see the situation differently and more importantly, less personally.
Your self-described love and commitment to not only your mother-in-law but to your family in general leads me to believe that the decisions made regarding this estate are not a reflection on you whatsoever. I do not believe that this decision was made as a personal directive against you, I believe that your mother-in-law would have done this regardless. Your husband is correct. Please do not take this personally.
Cara Chalmers, is a local writer, therapist and registered social worker living in Springbank, Alberta. Need some advice? Questions for Cara can be emailed to: cara@askcara.ca
