Cara Chalmers
Dear Cara,
I am an older gentleman who has lived in a rural community for most of my life. I have always considered myself to be a loving family man, a hard worker and a good neighbor to those who live in my area. I believe that my neighbor’s living on acreages that either border or are near my own, would say that I am always available to help lend a hand or a tool or even a tractor when asked and often without having to be asked. Over the years this has looked a lot like me ploughing the driveways and entrances to and from the highway during and after a heavy snowfall, helping to dig new fence posts when they need replacing to keep livestock and pets safe, pumping off the water runoffs after a storm, fixing garden tractors and mowers and generally just being the go-to guy for a number of families on my road. I have always been happy to support my community in this way.
My problem is that as I get older in age I am just not physically able to keep helping and providing in the way that many of my neighbors may have become accustomed to. Although I am retired now and beginning to show my age, it seems to me that the ‘asks’ from neighbors are increasing rather than going in the opposite direction. I’ve made some mention to folks about getting tired easily and having achy joints, but this has not slowed down any requests to lend a hand.
How can I tell my neighbors (many of whom I consider friends) that I am not able to help them out like I have been? I don’t want to cause issues or let others down and it is still important to me to contribute to my community, just in a less onerous way.
Sincerely, Go-to Guy
Dear Go-to,
Living in a rural area can present many unique challenges but also many opportunities for connection and community building. I commend you for being such a giving and steadfast neighbor.
The best way for you to communicate to your immediate community about what you can and can no longer contribute to is to be honest and upfront. Giving ‘hints’ typically does not help us communicate with others in the way that we hope it might.
Consider writing a letter describing some of the limitations that you are facing as you age and how these changes have impacted your ability to help out. Drop off a copy of this letter to the households who may be impacted. Or, perhaps the road you live on has a group chat or some online forum it uses to communicate. You could post a message on something such as this. Be honest about where you are at and reinforce that it is still important to you to feel connected despite how your contributions may change. The point here is to tackle this dilemma directly and honestly, rather than waiting for your neighbors to (hopefully) catch on and let you off the hook.
I wouldn’t be surprised if a message or letter from you is met with compassion and support from these families that you have been lending a hand to all of these years.
Cara Chalmers, is a local writer, therapist and registered social worker living in Springbank, Alberta. Need some advice? Questions for Cara can be emailed to: cara@askcara.ca
