by Cara Chalmers
Dear Cara,
My husband and I are now of the age where many of our nieces, nephews and children of close friends are starting to get married. This means that over the past few summers this has meant many invitations to attend both weddings and wedding showers. When it is possible, I attend these showers and my husband and I attend the weddings, so long as they are not far-reaching destination events.
We are both happy to participate in these events and to share in the joy of the young people who are involved, many of whom I have known since birth and have watched grow up. When we (or I in the case of the wedding showers) attend the weddings we give generously and always with the requested manner of giving. We have yet to be invited to a wedding these past few years that isn’t asking for cash as gifts.
Our issue with this new phase of life that we find ourselves in is not with the weddings and showers themselves, but rather in the lack of gratitude and basic manners that we have observed both in the asking for and in the receiving of gifts.
A recent example that I can provide is a wedding shower that I attended this past spring. I gave a gift in the manner that was requested on the invitation (gift cards to a specific airline so that the couple could plan a honeymoon). Okay, fine. This is not my preferred way to give gifts but I am trying to be more ‘modern’ in my thinking. Then my husband and I attended this same couple’s wedding in late June where we gave cash as a gift, again as requested.
Summer is almost behind us and we have yet to receive any form of thank you from this couple for either the shower gift or wedding gift. I am really beginning to stew about this issue as this is not the first time that we have gone without any form of thanks for our generosity. I am becoming increasingly frustrated by this and my frustration is beginning to bother my husband. He agrees that the lack of gratitude is a problem but he is not worked up about this like I seem to be.
If a couple can be so bold as to flat out ask for cash as their preferred form of gift, surely they can take the time to pen a thank you note when all is said and done. Am I wrong for feeling so slighted by this new way of doing (or not doing, I should say) things?
Sincerely,
Slighted and Sour
Dear Slighted,
Your experiences and observations of the modern wedding are spot-on. Gone are the registry lists from The Bay and Sears, having been replaced by honeymoon and house down-payment accounts or sparkly cash deposit boxes sitting stoically on the ‘gift table’ at the wedding reception.
It is now quite common that engaged couples directly request specific types of gifts that they would like to receive and I applaud you for giving this a go even if it is not your preferred way of giving. This shows the deep level of care that you and your husband have for these young people as they embark on their new married lives.
But as you have said, your issue is about the lack of gratitude that is being shown from these couples and how intensely this has been bothering you.
Look, you feel how you feel, no matter if this is ‘wrong’ or not. And I can’t say that I blame you for this. In the face of your generosity and support going un-regarded, I am not surprised that you and your husband would experience disappointment. However, your husband has found a way to move on and you have not. I believe that this is because you have taken this far more personally than he has. And it would help to re-frame this when you find yourself stewing over the rudeness of this lack of regard. Try saying to yourself something along these lines – ‘I am proud to be able to support the young people in my life with generosity, regardless of if this is recognized or not’. If you are not receiving thank you notes from these couples, then rest assured that none of the guests at these showers and weddings are being thanked. This is a reflection of them, not you.
I truly hope that a note of thanks is still on its way from the couple that you mention above. But if one never comes then you must not see this as a reflection of how they (or anyone) feel about you. Take pride in your generosity and your willingness to change with the times. And let’s also hope that personalized notes of thanks are not going the way of the gift registry. Some things, such as gratitude, should never go out of style.
Cara Chalmers, is a local writer, therapist and registered social worker living in Springbank, Alberta. Need some advice? Questions for Cara can be emailed to: cara@askcara.ca
