ASK CARA – AN EVERYDAY ADVICE COLUMN – Mar 2024

Cara Chalmers

Dear Cara,

My husband and I have been married for 20 years this August. Throughout our relationship, my husband’s younger brother has been the primary source of tension in our marriage. My brother in-law has leaned on my husband as a dependent, including numerous requests for financial assistance and support in providing childcare to his three children for long periods of time. My husband is old fashioned in this regard being that he is the oldest of three siblings.

Part of my problem is that my husband has very poor boundaries with his brother and often enables him and shields him from true responsibility taking. My husband has asked me to stay removed from this dilemma. Despite my best efforts to remain neutral, I have consistently observed that my husband has no backbone when it comes to holding his brother accountable for his poor life decisions.

I have grown more and more resentful towards my husband and I have lost trust in him that this dynamic between he and his brother will ever change. What is more concerning, recently my brother in law has requested a personal loan in excess of $20,000. My husband feels that he should assist his brother in his financial situation given that we ourselves are financially stable. However, my position is that my brother in law is exploiting my husband in this relationship.

I have never given my husband an ultimatum but I am writing to seek your assistance in helping me understand if I am being unreasonable in my desire to finally say no to these outlandish requests and if I have an equal vote in being considered in the equation. I feel totally lost and confused and afraid this will never end.

Sincerely,
Tapped Out

Dear Tapped Out,

It seems that your husband is ‘old-fashioned’ not only in his feelings of responsibility for his younger sibling but also in his approach to how your shared assets as a married couple are to be handled. As you describe it, your husband has been making financial decisions that impact you both without taking into consideration your feelings or interests. Your husband is using both his and YOUR money to assuage his own (I’m sure complex) feelings about his relationship with and responsibilities for his brother.

The problem here seems to be more about your husband’s beliefs about money and less about your brother in law’s ongoing requests for support. You can’t necessarily change or influence what your brother in law requests of your husband, but you can and should be an influence on how these requests are met.

You are not being unreasonable in your desire to want to say no to your brother in law’s continued requests for money. Marital assets are shared fifty-fifty between couples. You have a fifty percent stake and say in what is done with your family’s finances. Unless your husband entered the marriage with a pile of money from which he is supporting his brother, it is not all up to him.

I would encourage you and your husband to seek a qualified marriage counsellor to help you both understand this issue better and more from one another’s own unique perspectives. Obviously this issue is causing harm to your relationship with your husband and this is an opportunity for the two of you to seek support and guidance on how you can face this challenge, together.