Out Of The Rut – Kat Dancer – Feb 2023

Chapter 150

Greetings good readers, how are you faring as we muddle our way through the second month of this glorious year? Usually our coldest month, one can hardly complain about our January temperatures. As I write, halfway through the month, I can reflect on the amazing weather we have had this year, the spectacular treat that a foggy morning in January can bring…as long as you are not up against the clock on a commute to work on horrible slippery roads with next to no visibility.

Later, a trip down a country lane in our ‘hood rewards the brave with scintillating arrays of diamonds glistening glittering on each surface. As the sun warms the surface frost from the road, it also peels away frost from the east-facing fence posts. They flash alternating red and grey from warm to cold side as I go past. Their inter-strung wire adorned with gems dancing in the morning light leads to further thoughts. Cattle huddle along ploughed lines in the white fields, their noses to the ground in search of good food. Deer dot the horizon and lurk in the ditches.

Yesterday saw me abroad before dawn broached the horizon. I journeyed to Okotoks revelling in the inconstant shimmering dawn colours splashing across the sky. Getting out early is something I’ve been missing these past months, it’s refreshing to be moving, have somewhere to go, work on rebuilding rather than working on staying still.

Kindness. There’s a thing that’s been rattling around my head. Amid all the drama and chaos of daily existence, I lose the ability to be kind to myself faster than ought to be possible. It’s ‘easy’ to be kind to someone who obviously needs help, far harder to be kind to someone who has just cut you off, allowed a door to swing shut in your face, failed to meet an appointment, whatever. Internally, I remind myself… that person may just have received life-changing news, either good or bad, that took them away from themselves. That person may be struggling with the after-shocks of some great traumatic event, may have suffered a loss or be challenged by life the same as am I.

I think of kindness to others and the ultimate benefit it brings back to the source. By exercising kindness, I am healing myself while helping others. I took myself to the pool to do some warm water therapy work on my leg… a sleek clean surface, water still, barely a soul in the space with me… until the clock switches towards the hour and the change is upon us. Small, medium, and large children begin to filter into the pool deck accompanied by an interesting assortment of parents. The adults prop themselves against the wall or on the bleaches and the percentage of heads dipped down to phone screens is close to 100%. There are notable exceptions.

I see a rugged, dark and burly man come in from the men’s changing room. His partner is a cherubic girl child not yet knee-high. She wears a navy ruffled swimsuit and her chubby limbs are held in slight angles, as though eternally prepared to leap over the nearest building or lift a car off a fallen child. She looks like a little love dynamo about to be unleashed on the world.

I lose track as I work on my own body and navigate the pool. Hauling myself up onto the deck like a beached seacreature, I move to another area to leave the warm water for the kids’ lessons.

As I leave, pushing a wheeled walker before me like an ancient being, I note that this little girl, along with three others, is currently exiting the beach-like water in pursuit of her instructor. Her father is squatting with phone on video capturing the moment and his adoration and parental pride is positively beaming off his body in waves. If I continue on my path to the changing rooms, I will wheel myself right in front of him and destroy this moment. I wheel myself off to the right and take a long loop around, consicous that this moment may be one of those moments that father takes to his grave. It may be this moment that lives in his memory and in his phone, that he shares with the rest of his friends and family. Maybe this is the first time this little girl has done…whatever. How amazing. I am left with a small internal glow that I was aware enough to see what was happening and able to change my trajectory to give space for their moment together.